Good-bye my friend...

It has been almost two months since I lost Boscoe. He was 13 months old. The terrible disease that inflicted him at such a young age finally took his life. It happened very quickly and the kidneys just shut down. His blood levels were elevated to 10x the normal level. He went to the emergency vet and stayed for three days. He was on IV fluids, enough for three dogs his size. He was also on two anti-nausea medications, one doubling as a sedative. And he was on basically a morphine drip continuously. He was still not comfortable enough to sleep soundly until we visited. It was heartbreaking to know he had no fight left. We spoke volumes to each other without words those few days. He gave me forgiveness for not being able to cure him, he gave me permission to stop blaming myself, he told me he loved me, and he told me he was ready to go. So I let him go.

I would go through it all again even knowing the outcome would be the same. I would do anything to have him back, to hold him one last time. But I take comfort in knowing he is free of pain now. He was truly special and I will never regret what I went through with him because I had the true privilege of having him in my life. He taught me so much and I thank him for that.

I wrote the following piece just after his passing. While I still feel the scars, I know that I have healed enough to take on the task of giving another dog the best life I can. I have been looking at a few lab litters and may have finally decided on one to be born July 8th. The final pieces should come together in the next few weeks. I know Boscoe is smiling down, happy to hear that I will love another pup again, he always wanted to please me. And he always did. You may have been small in stature, but you left behind some pretty big shoes to fill buddy.


Boscoe - (Boscarelli)
March 15, 2006 - April 19, 2007
To my Boscoe:
There is nothing that I can say to take away the pain. Nothing to say or do to fill the void in my heart, my soul, my life. I feel so empty without you. I know that you are free now, that your spirit soars above unrestricted by a body that failed you. You were beautiful in body but so much more beautiful in spirit and personality. My once in a lifetime best friend. My sidekick, my buddy. My passenger seat sits empty without you to claim the spot, who else can ride shotgun as well as you. Every time I turn around, every place I go and look, I think I see you, I find another memory. You had shoved yourself into every nook and cranny of my life and heart and I can never let you go. And that's fine with me. You filled my heart with so much love and laughter and joy. You taught me so much, and I hope I taught you too. Not once did you ever fail me. I am so sorry for those times I let you down, disappointed you, treated you unfairly, made you think you did something wrong. You never did anything wrong. You were a little trooper. I love you so much and I am so glad I was able to free your spirit of the pain of a broken body. But I can never ever replace you. I don't even want to try. You were my world little man. I will never forget you and I will never regret you. I watched you grow up, explore the world, learn and soak up information like a sponge. We had a bond that some people will never see in their lifetime. We communicated on a level far above words and gestures. We were connected so deeply. I knew exactly what you were thinking and feeling and you knew me inside and out. You knew what I wanted before I said it. You did what I asked before I could even verbalize it. I trusted you with my heart and you trusted me with your life. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it longer. I feel like I let you down. But I know that you loved me and forgave me before you left. I don't want to love like this again. I don't want to tarnish your memory by getting attached again. And I'm so deeply scarred that I don't want to allow myself to love again for fear of getting hurt again. I can't believe I lost you. I can't believe you are gone, never to return again. You and I were inseperable. We did everything together. Now the simplest thing scares me because I have to do it alone, without you. Every move I make I remember you being there, sharing it with me. I turn around and look for you because I think you are there, you should be there, and I have to keep reminding myself that you are gone. And it opens the wound a little more each time. I think I see you when I turn around, all the spots you used to lay. All the memories come swarming back and I am terrified that someday I won't remember them all. All I have left are your beautiful pictures to hold on to and the knowledge that you are no longer in pain. My baby, my boy, my little guy. I love you more than words can say. Rest easy now bud. I love and miss you. I pray I will see you again someday Bos.